“I cry. But it’s not enough. Not enough to get rid of the squeezing in my chest, not enough to take away the heavy sadness.”— Excerpt from a book I’ll never write
This pain is new, it’s not like the pain from the last couple weeks. It’s the pain of realizing that things will never be the same- we will never be the same, I will never be the same.
“It’s strange how love can make you feel like you can conquer the world but also make you feel worthless and broken. It’s strange how those little butterflies in your stomach can bring a smile on your face or let tears roll down your cheeks. It’s strange how the best feeling in the world can make you insane.”— First thing I thought of upon waking up
“To want something and to be ready for something are two different things.”— Malanda Jean-Claude
Okay I hope he doesn’t get to read this but tumblr has always been my outlet when I want to write so just ignore this.
My mind has been swirling for two days now. I’m confused and sad and disappointed all at the same time. I need to let out my thoughts through words because saying them to my friend just doesn’t do justice because I want to talk and talk and talk forever about how I feel.
He never really understood that I am an emotional and feeling person. I can’t be in between with how I feel and I’ve learned to let it out or else I’ll explode. He never really understood that honesty is important to me and his honesty was the most important thing to me. I guess that’s why I feel betrayed because he wasn’t fully honest with how he felt about us and our relationship. I feel like I am a very understanding person in general. Like you tell me your most darkest secret and I won’t ever use it against you. So, I feel like when he just was honest about how he felt inside I would’ve said “okay, what would you like us/you to do?”. If he wanted to leave, of course I’d be sad but if he sees no growth who am I to keep him still? I will let him go for his sake not for mine own gain. I guess he thought he’d be hurting my feelings for staying quiet about his feelings but I was more hurt with the fact he didn’t say anything.
My mind is also whirling because he said he can’t keep up with my expectations. I asked him what expectation. He said talking everyday. But talking to the one you love everyday is a given. And even if you don’t want to message me or need me time I’m more than happy to give it to you. Communication isn’t an expectation. It’s and essential tool for a relationship to grow and progress. You said we weren’t progressing because of the distance, but weren’t you the one who said to me that we’ll work through the distance and in the end it was you who couldn’t take it. I think that’s what’s fucking me up. Seeing me is not an expectation. I said we didn’t have to see each other every week but it seemed to me that seeing me seemed like a burden to you when In fact you were the one making plans. I’m confused. I thought we were okay.
I told my friend today that he was my ride or die. He was my ride or die when we were just friends. He’s my best friend but he can’t even stand the sight of me. I would literally do anything for him. I can’t see anyone else but him in my future. And all his sweet talks and promises about us just seem so fake now and I was being so genuine. That’s what’s hurting me. I don’t know how honest he is.
I’ve tried not to cry and just think in a more positive way but my mind like to linger in the negative. I want to him to grow as a person and I wish he wanted me by his side for support but I don’t think he does.
I don’t know what happened, but I don’t want to lose my best friend. I guess we can break up, but the dynamic we have as friends has always been so special.
I miss him so much and I wish he’d just message me saying he’s okay but I told him I’d give him space. I love him so much but I’ve come to learn that love is not enough to make someone stay.
I think he’s ready to leave but too scared to hurt me. I wish he’d just rip off the band aid and go.
“Men aren’t stupid, and you don’t need a complicated set of rules to find a good one who loves you. Here’s the only rule you need: if a man loves you, he will do anything he can to keep you around. Anything.”— Kim Gruenenfelder, A Total Waste of Makeup (via sexual-feelings)
if your girlfriends not your bestfriend what’s the point
intense love always leads to mourning.❞
(via thelovejournals)
It is time to change the meaning of the word
“love.”
The word is mostly used according to the first definition given in the dictionary:
“an intense feeling of deep affection.”
In other words, love is what one feels.
After years spent speaking with couples before, during and after marriage; and of talking to parents and children struggling with their relationships, I am convinced of the partiality of the definition.
Love should be seen not as a feeling but as an enacted emotion. To love is to feel and act lovingly.
Too many women have told me, bruises visible on their faces, that the husbands who struck them love them. Since they see love as a feeling, the word hides the truth, which is that you do not love someone whom you repeatedly beat and abuse. You may have very strong feelings about them, you may even believe you cannot live without them, but you do not love them.
The first love mentioned in the Bible is not romantic love, but parental love (Genesis 22). When a child is born, the parent’s reaction to this person, who so recently did not exist, is to feel that
“I would do anything for her.”
In the doing is the love—the feeling is enacted. That is why we often hear the phrase
“you don’t act like you love me.”
We know in our bones that love is not a feeling alone, but a feeling that flows into the world in action.
Between human beings, love is a relational word. Yes, you can love things that do not love you back—the sky or a mountain or a painting or the game of chess. But the love of other people is directional. There is a lover and a beloved—you don’t just love, but you love at someone. And real love is not only about the feelings of the lover; it is not egotism. It is when one person believes in another person and shows it.
In Fiddler on the Roof, when Tevye asks Golde whether she loves him after a quarter century of marriage, her wry answer is exactly on point:
For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned the house
Given you children, milked your cow
She asks then,
“If that’s not love, what is?”
Of course it is possible to perform all sorts of duties for someone and feel little or nothing for them.
Love is not about being hired help. Love is not an obligation done with a cold soul. But neither is it a passion that expresses itself in cruelty, or one that does not express itself at all. The feeling must be wedded to the deed.
We would have a healthier conception of love if we understood that love, like parenting or friendship, is a feeling that expresses itself in action. What we really feel is reflected in what we do.
The poet’s song is dazzling and the passion powerful, but the deepest beauty of love is how it changes lives.
via David Wolpe
(via thelovejournals)